Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Dad
My dad. I don't even know where to start with how I am feeling about things with my dad. I am in denial. I always tell Ryan that I am a realist (he says I am a pessimist), but I just refuse to acknowledge how sick my dad is. Doesn't a realist think about how things really are? I think I know how things "really are", but I just won't allow myself to "think" about it. If that even makes any sense? It's such a sickening thing - these stages of grief - because right now I am angry at myself. I am angry that I don't know how to make the best of the time I have with my dad, because - well - what if? And I am angry that I even have to think about trying not to think about "what if". What if he has his scan in a couple of weeks and it's not ok? Will I regret not spending "better" time with him? Is there anything I wish I would do and I don't know because I don't want to think about it? I have just so many tearful feelings right now after spending the last 48 hours with him. When I am not with him I can't "see" how sick he is. I only "hear" about it from my mom or if he's willing to share, I hear from him. My dad, however, puts on a really good front. But when I am with him I can see for myself the pain he is enduring. I hate it. I am tearful that he has to moan and groan in so much pain just to eat - and he is so faithful to keeping up his nutrition when I know if it were me I would just want to stop - if it really hurt that much to eat (and isn't eating usually a "joyful" and good thing for most of us?!). He walks with this hunch like he is just trying to protect his body because he hurts - and yet all the while he smiles and says things like "Oh look - what a great day! The sun is out!" And even with everything he is enduring, in the mornings he has the most strength (from a full night's sleep) that if he can manage it, he still takes my son to see the animals. He is a Papa through and through. He is an amazing, strong, God-loving, Papa, Dad and Husband. I love you Dad. I love you for fighting to stay with us.
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3 comments:
Oh man Mollie...that's so hard. So hard to read, so hard to imagine going through...so hard to not have much to say to make any of it go away or feel better. If anything, anything can come of this--your father (and the rest of your family) will never wonder what could have been said. You're pretty much saying it all out loud now. And that's a gift, and absolute gift. No doubts about how much you love him or he loves you, or how important he is to everyone he's ever met!! He'll beat this! Hang in there sweetie, do your best to keep on keeping on.
Well Mollie what to say from your hearfelt feelings. Allowing your Dad to show you just how he is feeling is a big gift. I'm sure that whatever you are feeling he knows wheather it was spoken or observed by your body language. God will present the opportunities for both of you to share what needs to be said. The grieving process is a rough journey. This will seem trite to say but continue to be in his life and share as much as you can with your children. Those are the times that he holds very dear in his journey. Love, Marladene
Mollie- I just read this... my heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine how tough this would be. Hang in there.
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